This week has been rough.

And honestly, I debated even sharing this because vulnerability is easy when you’re winning. It’s harder when you feel like you disappointed yourself… and God.

It started last weekend at my youngest daughter’s first birthday party. A moment that was supposed to be full of happiness because my baby girl is officially one.

And eventually, I got there.

But before I did, I had three separate breakdowns.

Not quiet tears either. I’m talking full boo-hoo ugly crying.

I kept disappearing—going upstairs to my apartment, hiding in the bathroom lobby, trying to pull myself together before anyone noticed. But the truth is, people always notice when your heart is heavy.

A few people checked on me, and I appreciated it, but honestly… I just needed a moment to feel everything.

Because in the middle of celebrating my daughter, I was grieving too.

Grieving the life I thought I would have.
The family dynamic I imagined.
The hurt I still carry.
The reality of being a single mom sometimes.

And it all hit me at once.

But strangely enough, that wasn’t even the hardest part of the week.

The hardest part came after.

After the party, I broke a promise I made not only to myself—but to God.

More than once.

I gave into the wants of my flesh instead of standing firm in what I knew I was being called away from. And since then, it has felt like an emotional battle in every area of my life.

Before that, I felt deeply connected to God.

I felt His presence heavily.

I was at peace.
I had joy.
I felt clarity.
I was showing up better for myself and for others.

And after falling into temptation, it felt like everything became cloudy again.

Confusion came back.
Restlessness came back.
Emotional exhaustion came back.

And I’ve been struggling with the feeling that maybe I don’t deserve to come back to Him.

Like maybe God doesn’t want to hear from me because I knowingly made the wrong choice.

But the beautiful thing about God is that He is not human.

Because if I’m honest? There are moments where I wouldn’t even forgive myself.

Yet somehow, even in my distance, I still feel Him near me.

Not in the same overwhelming way as before—but enough to remind me He never truly left.

And maybe this season isn’t God abandoning me.

Maybe it’s Him allowing me to decide if I will still obey Him when it’s harder. When emotions are louder. When temptation feels stronger. When conviction sets in.

Because over and over again this week, I’ve heard the same messages repeated through friends, family, strangers, my therapist—even random conversations.

“God will not send you who or what you’re supposed to have before you heal and release what’s not for you.”

“God is not a God of confusion. So if confusion is present, maybe that’s your confirmation.”

And those words keep replaying in my mind.

Maybe I don’t just need to hear them.

Maybe I need to finally stand on them.

Because the truth is, I’m not okay right now.

I feel emotionally drained. Confused. Disappointed in myself.

But even through all of that…

I still have hope.

Hope that peace will return.
Hope that healing is still possible.
Hope that God is still guiding me even while I’m struggling.

And maybe growth isn’t about never falling.

Maybe it’s about realizing quicker when you’ve stepped off the path—and choosing to come back anyway.

So that’s what I’m doing.

Coming back.

One prayer at a time.