Lately, I’ve been asking myself a question that has been weighing pretty heavily on me.

Why is it so easy for me to show up for everyone I love, but so difficult to show up for myself?

These past few weeks, I’ve noticed that my wants, needs, and personal goals have slowly found their way to the back burner.

Not necessarily because anyone has asked me to put them there, but because I naturally want to show up for the people I love.

I want to be a present mother.

I want to be an intentional partner.

I want to be dependable.

I want the people in my life to feel loved, supported, and cared for.

And while I genuinely enjoy doing those things, I’ve started noticing something.

Somewhere in the middle of loving everybody else, I’ve been forgetting to make room for me.

Motherhood: The Beautiful Sacrifice

As a mother, I think other moms can relate when I say our children’s needs almost always come first.

And honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way when it comes to making sure my girls are loved, safe, and cared for.

But sometimes, even when their needs are met, I continue putting my own wants aside.

For example, there are moments when I could be reading a book, writing, or doing something that contributes to my personal growth.

But instead, I find myself sitting on the floor while my girls play in my hair, do my makeup, or turn me into whatever masterpiece they’ve imagined that day.

And honey, sometimes that masterpiece is questionable!

But those moments mean something to me.

I want my daughters to remember a mother who was present.

A mother who laughed with them.

A mother who made time for the little things.

A mother who created memories they can carry into adulthood.

So I don’t necessarily regret choosing those moments.

But I’ve started realizing that I shouldn’t always have to choose between making memories with my children and making time for myself.

I can be a good mother and still have needs of my own.

And maybe that’s something I need to remind myself of more often.

Learning to Love Without Losing My Routine

Another adjustment I’ve been navigating is being in a relationship again.

And let me tell you, learning how to balance your individual life with a relationship after being single is an adjustment!

I love being able to spend time with my partner.

I enjoy showing up for him, being intentional, and making sure we’re creating quality time together.

But I’ve noticed that sometimes, in my excitement to spend time with him, I begin rearranging my own priorities.

Before getting back into a relationship, I had started building habits that were important to me.

I was walking two or three times a week.

I was making more time for writing.

I was learning how to enjoy my own company and invest in the woman I was becoming.

Now, instead of taking that walk, I sometimes find myself wanting to spend that time with my man.

And while there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be around someone you love, I’ve had to ask myself:

Why do I automatically assume that loving someone means adjusting my time instead of making room for both of us?

Because the truth is, I don’t want to lose the woman I’ve been working so hard to become simply because my relationship status has changed.

I want to continue growing as an individual while also growing with my partner.

I want a relationship that complements the life I’m building, not one where I unintentionally stop building it.

And that requires me to be intentional about how I spend my time.

The Part That Has Been Weighing on Me the Most: My Faith

Now, this is the part that has really been bothering me.

Of all the things I’ve allowed to fall behind lately, my relationship with God has been the hardest for me to acknowledge.

I haven’t been reading the Word consistently.

My prayer life hasn’t been as intentional.

I haven’t been attending church the way I want to.

And honestly, I can feel the difference.

I’ve allowed the distractions and responsibilities of everyday life to take up so much space that I’ve been neglecting the very relationship that helped me begin this journey of healing and growth.

And that doesn’t sit right with me.

Because I’ve experienced what life feels like when I’m intentionally seeking God.

I’ve experienced the peace.

The joy.

The clarity.

The comfort of knowing that even when I don’t have everything figured out, I can turn to Him.

So when I notice myself drifting away from those habits, I begin feeling guilty.

And I ask myself:

How can I make time for everyone else but struggle to make time for God?

The One I say comes first.

The One I turn to when life becomes overwhelming.

The One who has carried me through seasons I didn’t think I would make it through.

But I’m also learning that guilt alone isn’t going to restore my routine.

I have to make the decision to show up.

Even if it’s only ten minutes of reading.

Even if it’s a prayer while driving.

Even if I have to adjust my schedule to make church a priority again.

I don’t want my relationship with God to become something I only make time for when everything else is taken care of.

Because if I’m waiting for life to slow down before I prioritize my faith, I may be waiting forever.

Pouring From a Cup I Keep Forgetting to Fill

Something else I’ve noticed is how my mood changes when I stop doing the things that make me feel like myself.

I become overwhelmed more easily.

I get frustrated.

I feel guilty.

And sometimes, I’m just plain irritable.

Then I sit there wondering why I’m feeling this way.

Well, honey, maybe it’s because I’ve been pouring into everybody else’s cup while forgetting to fill my own!

I’ve been giving my time, energy, love, and attention to the people who matter most to me.

But I’ve neglected some of the things that bring me peace and fulfillment.

Writing.

Reading.

Exercising.

Spending intentional time with God.

Having moments to myself without feeling like I should be doing something for somebody else.

And I’m beginning to understand that those things aren’t just hobbies or tasks on a to-do list.

They’re part of how I care for myself.

They’re part of how I process my emotions, strengthen my faith, and continue growing.

And when I consistently neglect them, I feel it.

Trying to Find My Balance Again

Now, I wish I could tell you I’ve figured out the perfect routine that allows me to do everything I want while showing up for everyone I love.

But baby, I haven’t.

I’m still figuring it out.

One thing I’ve started doing is setting reminders on my phone throughout the day.

Little notifications encouraging me to write, read, exercise, or take time for the things I say are important.

And honestly, some of them have helped.

I’ve been writing more consistently.

But others?

Let’s just say I’ve gotten pretty good at dismissing a workout reminder!

I’ve realized that certain activities are more enjoyable for me when I can do them alone.

I like having time to myself when I exercise.

I like being able to read without interruptions.

I like having moments where I can fully experience what I’m doing without feeling pulled in multiple directions.

And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting that.

I just have to become better at creating space for it.

Maybe that means waking up a little earlier.

Maybe that means communicating with my partner about time I need for myself.

Maybe that means allowing my daughters to see me reading or writing instead of always putting those activities away.

Maybe it means accepting that every day won’t look the same, and that’s okay.

Because I’m realizing that balance isn’t necessarily about giving everything equal time.

It’s about making sure the things that matter most aren’t consistently getting the least of me.

Giving Myself Grace While Still Holding Myself Accountable

One thing this journey continues to teach me is that I can be incredibly hard on myself.

When I don’t accomplish everything I planned, I feel like I’ve failed.

When my routine falls apart, I feel like I’m starting over.

When I neglect my personal goals, I begin questioning whether I’m truly becoming the woman I want to be.

But I’m trying to change that mindset.

I’m learning to celebrate the small wins.

If I write for fifteen minutes instead of an hour, that’s still progress.

If I take a walk once this week instead of three times, that’s still movement.

If I read one chapter of my Bible after days of neglecting it, that’s still an opportunity to reconnect.

And if I spend an evening laughing with my daughters instead of completing everything on my to-do list, that doesn’t automatically mean I wasted my time.

I created memories.

I showed love.

I was present.

And those things matter too.

But I also have to remember that giving myself grace doesn’t mean continuously putting myself last.

It means acknowledging where I am, making adjustments, and continuing to show up.

I Deserve the Love I Give So Freely

I think the biggest lesson I’m learning in this season is that I don’t have to choose between loving others and loving myself.

I can be a present mother and still prioritize my personal growth.

I can be a loving partner and still maintain my individuality.

I can be committed to my responsibilities and still make time for rest.

I can have a busy life and still make room for God.

And I can love the people in my life deeply without feeling guilty for needing time to pour into myself.

Because the woman I’m becoming deserves my effort too.

She deserves consistency.

She deserves peace.

She deserves intentionality.

She deserves the same love, attention, and care that I work so hard to give everyone else.

So this week, I’m challenging myself to stop treating my personal needs like optional tasks.

I’m going to make room for them.

Not perfectly.

Not without adjustments.

But intentionally.

And if you’re someone who constantly shows up for everyone else while quietly neglecting yourself, I want to leave you with this reminder:

You deserve to experience the same love and care that you give so freely to others.

You don’t have to earn time for yourself by making sure everybody else is satisfied first.

You matter too.

And honey, sometimes the person who needs you to show up the most is the one looking back at you in the mirror.

With love,

Mariah 💜

Am I really resting, or am I making excuses for not showing up for myself?

That’s a question I’ve had to ask myself lately.

These past few weeks have been a struggle, and honestly, the weight of it seems to be getting heavier.

I’ve been feeling guilty because I know I haven’t been showing up for myself the way I promised I would.

The woman I’m trying to become has habits, routines, and priorities that I’ve been working hard to establish. But lately, those habits have been neglected, and I’m starting to feel the difference.

I haven’t been attending church consistently.

I haven’t been reading my Bible daily.

My prayer life hasn’t been as intentional.

And my physical health? Honey, let’s just say the gym and I haven’t been seeing much of each other lately.

And while I can acknowledge that life has been busy, I also have to acknowledge that I’ve been making excuses.

“I’ll do it later.”

“I have too much to do today.”

“I need to rest.”

“I’ll start again next week.”

Sound familiar?

Because for me, those little excuses have slowly started turning into weeks of not doing the things I know are important to me.

And now I’m sitting here wondering:

At what point does giving myself grace turn into allowing myself to become complacent?

Resting vs. Becoming Complacent

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

Rest is necessary. I know that.

We aren’t meant to constantly be moving, achieving, and checking things off a to-do list. Sometimes our minds, bodies, and spirits genuinely need a break.

But I’m learning that rest and complacency can look very similar on the outside while producing two completely different results.

Rest restores you.

Complacency keeps you comfortable.

Rest gives you the energy to continue.

Complacency convinces you that continuing can wait.

And I think that’s where I’ve been struggling.

I’ve been telling myself I’m resting, but I’m not always feeling restored.

Instead, I’m feeling disconnected, unfulfilled, and disappointed because I’m neglecting the things that once brought me so much joy, peace, and purpose.

And baby, that’s not the kind of rest I need.

I need the kind of rest that prepares me to show up again.

Not the kind that becomes an excuse to stop showing up altogether.

When I Feel Like I’ve Disappointed God

One of the biggest struggles I’ve been having lately is with my faith.

I’ve noticed that when I make decisions I’m unsure God would be pleased with, I tend to pull away from Him.

It’s almost like I go ghost.

I stop praying as much.

I stop opening my Bible.

I become hesitant to seek Him because I’m conflicted about the decisions I’ve made.

And if I’m being completely transparent, sometimes I feel like I need to get myself together before I can come back to Him.

As if I need to fix whatever I’ve done wrong before I deserve to sit in His presence again.

But the more I reflect on that mindset, the more I realize how backward it is.

Why am I running away from the very One I need to be running toward?

I’m still learning who God is and what it truly means to walk with Christ. But one thing I’m beginning to understand is that His grace isn’t reserved for the moments when I get everything right.

I don’t have to disappear when I fall short.

I can pray through the confusion.

I can seek Him when I’m struggling.

I can ask for wisdom when I’m uncertain.

And I can return to Him without pretending I have everything figured out.

Because the relationship I’m trying to build with God isn’t supposed to be based on how perfectly I perform.

It’s supposed to be rooted in faith, trust, obedience, and love.

And that relationship deserves my intentional effort, even on the days when I don’t feel worthy.

The Woman I Want to Become Requires Discipline

Outside of my faith, I’ve also been struggling with consistency when it comes to taking care of myself physically.

I have this pattern.

I start something with so much motivation.

I set goals.

I create a routine.

I get excited about the results I know are possible.

And then BOOM.

Life happens.

My schedule changes.

I get tired.

Procrastination starts creeping in.

And before I know it, the routine I was so excited about has completely disappeared.

Then comes the guilt.

And instead of picking up where I left off, I sometimes allow that guilt to keep me stuck even longer.

It’s a cycle I’m tired of repeating.

Because the truth is, I know what I want for myself.

I want to be a woman who prioritizes her relationship with God.

A woman who takes care of her physical and mental health.

A woman who is disciplined and consistent.

A woman who continues growing personally and professionally.

A woman who is intentional with her time, her words, her decisions, and her relationships.

A woman who pours into herself just as much as she pours into the people she loves.

But here’s what I’m having to accept:

I cannot keep expecting to become that woman if I’m not willing to practice the habits that shape her.

I can’t just admire the vision of who I want to become.

I have to participate in becoming her.

Even when I’m tired.

Even when my motivation is low.

Even when my schedule isn’t perfect.

And especially when it would be easier to say, “I’ll start tomorrow.”

Maybe I Need to Stop Waiting for the Perfect Routine

Another thing I’ve realized is that I spend so much time trying to figure out the perfect routine that I sometimes forget to actually follow one.

I’m constantly thinking about how to fit everything into my day.

Work.

Motherhood.

My relationship.

Church.

Bible study.

Exercise.

Writing.

Personal development.

And everything else life requires.

Some days, it feels like there simply aren’t enough hours.

But maybe the solution isn’t finding more time.

Maybe it’s becoming more intentional with the time I already have.

Maybe I don’t need an hour-long Bible study every morning to spend meaningful time with God.

Maybe ten intentional minutes are better than another day of putting it off.

Maybe I don’t need a perfect workout schedule to start taking care of my body.

Maybe a thirty-minute walk is better than doing nothing because I couldn’t make it to the gym.

Maybe I don’t need to write an entire blog post to stay connected to my passion.

Maybe writing down a few thoughts is enough to keep the habit alive.

I’m realizing that consistency doesn’t always mean doing everything exactly as planned.

Sometimes consistency means adjusting the plan without abandoning the goal.

And that’s something I desperately need to get better at.

I’m Choosing to Show Up Again

So here I am.

Once again, having to remind myself of the woman I’m trying to become.

And yes, it’s frustrating to feel like I’m starting over in areas I’ve already made progress in.

But maybe I need to stop looking at it as starting over.

I’m not the same woman I was when I first began this journey.

I have more awareness.

More understanding.

More faith.

And a clearer vision of the life I want to live.

Now I just need to put that understanding into action.

For me, that may look like creating daily to-do lists, setting reminders on my phone, scheduling time for God, and treating my personal goals with the same importance I give my other responsibilities.

Not because I want to fill every second of my day with something productive.

But because I want my daily decisions to reflect what I say matters most to me.

I want to be intentional.

With my faith.

With my health.

With my family.

With my time.

And most importantly, with myself.

Because the future version of me deserves the same effort, dedication, and love that I so freely give to others.

A Reminder to Myself and Maybe to You Too

If you’ve been struggling to stay consistent, I want you to ask yourself something:

Are you giving yourself the rest you genuinely need, or are you becoming comfortable with putting yourself last?

And please understand, there’s no shame in needing rest.

There’s no shame in adjusting your routine when life changes.

There’s no shame in having a difficult season.

But we also have to be honest with ourselves when our excuses are becoming habits.

We can’t keep saying we want change while avoiding the small decisions that create it.

And we can’t keep allowing one missed day to become a reason to give up completely.

I’m learning that discipline isn’t about being perfect.

It’s about continuing to choose what matters, even when the excitement of starting something new has worn off.

And faith isn’t about never falling short.

It’s about continuing to seek God through every season, including the uncomfortable ones.

So this is my reminder to myself:

Get up.

Open your Bible.

Say the prayer.

Move your body.

Write the words.

Make the time.

And when you genuinely need to rest, rest without guilt.

Just don’t confuse resting with giving up on yourself.

Because the woman I’m becoming isn’t going to appear overnight.

She’s being built through the choices I make every single day.

And honey, I owe it to myself to keep building her.

With love,

Mariah 💜

I’m Not Ready… And I’m Finally Okay With That

I’ve been MIA.

Not just from writing, but in some ways, from the personal growth I had become so intentional about.

I’m currently working on another book, but I think I needed to step away from it for a while. When I went back and looked at what I was writing, I realized there was so much anger behind my words.

I wasn’t just telling my story anymore.

I was writing from the wound.

And somewhere in the middle of all of that, I started forgetting why I loved writing in the first place.

Writing has always been something that gives me freedom. It helps me process, reflect, connect, and share pieces of my testimony. But instead of allowing it to help me heal, I was starting to use my words as another place to hold onto my hurt.

So maybe the break wasn’t a delay after all.

Maybe I needed it.

My “Lonely Season”

During this time, I’ve also found myself falling back into temptations and distractions that were pulling my attention away from growing with God and becoming the woman I know I want to be.

And I’ve had to accept something I wasn’t necessarily excited about at first:

This may be my “lonely season.”

Or maybe a better way to put it is my single season.

Because “lonely” makes it sound like something is missing.

And I’m starting to realize that maybe nothing is missing at all.

For someone who loves love, companionship, and partnership as much as I do, being intentionally single can feel uncomfortable.

I’ve wanted partnership so badly in the past that I sacrificed pieces of myself for the potential of relationships.

Not even always for what the relationship actually was.

For what I hoped it could become.

I’ve chosen people who weren’t aligned with what I now believe God has for me. I’ve become comfortable in chaos because chaos was familiar. I’ve accepted things that I can look back on now and know I didn’t deserve.

But I don’t want to look at those experiences only as failures anymore.

There were lessons there.

Lessons about boundaries.

Lessons about self-worth.

Lessons about discernment.

Lessons about what love is—and what love isn’t.

And some lessons I apparently needed more than once, honey.

But I’m listening now.

I Want to Be a Wife. But I’m Not Ready to Be One.

I’ve done a lot of self-reflection lately about what I actually want for my future.

When it comes to dating, my end goal is clear:

I want to be a wife.

But here’s the part I’ve had to humble myself enough to admit:

I’m not ready to be one.

And surprisingly, saying that doesn’t make me sad anymore.

It gives me direction.

I hear people talk about the Proverbs 31 woman and the qualities she represents, and when I look honestly at myself, there are areas where I still have growing to do.

Then I look at the fruit of the Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control—and baby…

God is still working on me.

Especially that patience and self-control.

But instead of looking at those areas and thinking, “I’m not good enough,” I’m beginning to see them as an invitation:

This is where I get to grow.

I don’t need to become perfect before I can be loved.

And I don’t want my entire growth journey to revolve around becoming “wife material” for somebody else either.

I want to become a healthier, wiser, more disciplined woman because that’s who I believe God is calling me to become.

Wife or not.

Relationship or not.

Becoming Her Before Asking for Him

If I want a different life, I have to start making decisions that align with that life.

For me, two of the biggest areas are discipline and consistency.

Not perfection.

Consistency.

I want to read the Word daily because I want to know God for myself.

I want to work out consistently because I want to take care of the body I’ve been given.

I want to make better choices with food because I want to feel healthy and energized.

I want to write again because it’s part of who I am.

I want to read again because I want to continue learning.

I want to become more intentional with my finances.

I want to take better care of my home.

I want to show up well in my career.

I want to steward what God has already placed in my hands instead of constantly focusing on what I want Him to give me next.

That last one has been big for me.

Because I’ve had to humble myself.

I’ve spent so much time thinking about the next thing.

The next opportunity.

The next relationship.

The next accomplishment.

The next version of my life.

But what about everything I prayed for that I’m already living in?

What about my children?

My home?

My job?

My ability to write?

My community?

My relationship with God?

Maybe preparation for more begins with taking care of what I already have.

I’m Starting to Feel the Shift

And lately, I really have started to feel something shifting inside of me.

I think a huge part of that has come from the Christian community I’ve found and the Bible studies I’ve been part of.

These women and these spaces have developed me and blessed me in ways I never expected.

I’m learning.

I’m being challenged.

I’m being held accountable.

I’m seeing perspectives outside of my own.

But most importantly, I’m falling in love with getting to know God.

Not just knowing about Him.

Knowing Him.

And the more I build that relationship, the more I’m realizing this season isn’t simply about waiting for a husband.

It’s about becoming.

Maybe I’m single because right now I have some uninterrupted work to do with God.

Maybe instead of asking, “When is my person coming?” I need to keep asking:

“God, who are You calling me to become while I’m here?”

I don’t know how long this season will last.

And for someone who likes to know what’s coming next, that’s an uncomfortable sentence to write.

But I’m learning to be okay with it.

I’m still in the middle of my testimony.

I’m still healing.

Still learning.

Still becoming more disciplined.

Still making mistakes.

Still getting back up.

Still figuring out what God is asking of me.

And for once, I don’t need to rush to the finished product.

I’m not ready yet.

And maybe that’s the beauty of this season.

I don’t have to be.

I just have to be willing to let God prepare me.

So I’m going to keep learning.

Keep writing.

Keep showing up.

Keep stewarding.

Keep healing.

Keep becoming.

And whenever the next chapter comes, I want to be able to look back at this single season and realize:

I wasn’t waiting for my life to begin.

I was building it.

With love,
Mariah 💜

I got baptized this past weekend.

Something I honestly never expected to do so soon, but God called me to it quickly and heavily. As I’ve shared before, I made a commitment to become more intentional in many areas of my life, and my faith and relationship with God were at the top of that list.

On my way to church that morning, I had butterflies. Nervousness. A heaviness that made me question for just a moment:

“Am I really supposed to be doing this today?”

As I drove, I prayed.

“Lord, if this is where I’m supposed to be, take these jitters away and give me peace.”

And before I could even say amen, they were gone.

Completely gone.

The nervousness disappeared. The heaviness lifted. My body and mind felt at peace, and excitement took its place.

In that moment, I knew.

I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

I’ve never been so sure of a decision in my life.

I remember looking over at the passenger seat and feeling as if God was sitting right beside me. Not physically, of course, but His presence felt so real that day. It was one of those moments that is difficult to explain unless you’ve experienced it yourself.

I simply knew He was with me.

And that peace carried me through the rest of the day.

Now, before getting baptized, I had heard people talk about what comes after. Friends, church members, and even people on social media would say that once you publicly choose Christ, spiritual battles can feel more intense.

Honestly, I’ve experienced some of that this week.

Not necessarily in dramatic ways, but in the small things and the big things.

The frustrations.

The emotional reactions.

The negative thoughts.

The temptation to complain.

The urge to let my feelings take control.

For me, one of the biggest areas God is working on is my emotional reactions. I have a tendency to respond from how I feel in the moment instead of responding from a place of peace and trust.

And this week, that struggle showed itself.

More than once.

But I’ve also had to remind myself of something important:

Nothing I’m facing is bigger than God.

When I feel overwhelmed, I have to step back, get out of my emotions, and release it to Him.

Because God sees me.

God knows me.

And God isn’t going to allow me to walk through something He won’t equip me to handle.

Living for Christ has been one of the best decisions I’ve made.

And even though I’m only at the beginning of this journey, God’s grace has already changed me.

His love and presence in my life are unlike anything I’ve experienced before.

He’s shown me that some of the ways I was living weren’t aligned with the life He was calling me into. And while I had prayed for change, I wasn’t fully prepared for how quickly He would answer those prayers.

Some things changed almost immediately.

Some people, habits, and situations that I thought would continue on this journey with me didn’t.

At first, that was difficult to understand.

But I’m slowly learning that not everything is meant to walk with us forever.

Some people are assignments.

Some seasons are lessons.

Some experiences exist to teach us something that brings us closer to our purpose.

And while losing certain things can hurt, I’m realizing that God isn’t taking things away to harm me.

He’s making room for what He has planned for me.

Every lesson.

Every closed door.

Every redirection.

Every blessing.

It’s all drawing me closer to the purpose and calling God has for my life.

And honestly, that’s the blessing I sometimes need to remind myself of the most.

This baptism wasn’t the finish line.

It was the beginning.

And for the first time in a long time, I’m excited about where God is leading me.

With love,

Mariah 💜