Healing has been such an emotional roller coaster for me.

Some days I feel strong, focused, and aligned with God. Other days I find myself missing things I probably shouldn’t, getting stuck in my head, feeling unmotivated, and falling away from the routines I’ve worked so hard to build.

The hardest part has been making sure my thoughts aren’t louder than what God is calling me to do.

And honestly, there are times when that’s been really difficult.

I constantly have to remind myself that God’s way is better than anything I could create on my own.

I truly believe one of the things God has called me to do is share my testimony through writing. Writing has always been a passion of mine, and I’ve noticed something interesting: whenever I pull away from it, I start feeling disconnected. Not just from my purpose, but from God.

Then the guilt starts creeping in.

I convince myself I’m failing.

Failing at my routines.
Failing at my goals.
Failing at becoming the woman I’m trying to be.
Sometimes even failing God.

The truth is, I have a habit of giving up when things aren’t perfect.

If I don’t make it to the gym three times that week, I feel lazy.

If I miss a writing session, I feel like I’m wasting the gift God gave me.

If my emotions get the best of me, I feel like all my progress has disappeared.

Instead of giving myself grace, I retreat.

I lay around.

I scroll endlessly.

I distract myself from the guilt instead of facing it.

And lately, I’ve realized something:

My downfall isn’t failure.

It’s my inability to give myself grace when I fall short of my own expectations.

Because what I consider failure isn’t necessarily what God considers failure.

Sometimes I think God is telling me to be still and reset.

Other times I think He’s calling me to fast, pray, and draw closer to Him instead of focusing on my normal routines.

Maybe success isn’t checking every box on my to-do list.

Maybe success is obedience.

Maybe success is continuing to show up, even imperfectly.

Maybe success is choosing God again and again, even when I feel discouraged.

I’ve spent so much time believing growth had to look perfect that I forgot growth is often messy.

Healing is messy.

Transformation is messy.

Learning to trust God is messy.

And maybe that’s okay.

Because the more I think about it, the more I realize that God isn’t asking me to be perfect.

He’s asking me to be faithful.

To keep showing up.

To keep praying.

To keep writing.

To keep trusting Him, even when I don’t feel like I’m doing enough.

So if there’s one thing I want to remind myself—and anyone else who needs to hear it—it’s this:

Give yourself grace.

God sees the effort.

He sees the prayers no one hears.

He sees the battles no one knows about.

He sees the hard work you’re putting in behind the scenes.

As long as you’re intentional, as long as you’re continuing to seek Him, and as long as you’re not settling into a pattern of defeat, you’re moving forward.

Not perfectly.

But faithfully.

And I truly believe that when you’re walking in the direction God is calling you to go, He gives you peace.

Not because everything is easy.

But because you know you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.

And sometimes, that peace is the confirmation you’ve been looking for all along.

With love,
Mariah 💜

This week has been very distracting for me.

The loud thoughts have felt stronger than my discipline. Stronger than my focus. In some moments, they’ve even felt louder than God.

I’ve been emotionally reactive, mentally overwhelmed, and honestly struggling to break through the chaos in my mind.

And because of that, the version of myself I’m trying to become suddenly started feeling so far away again.

It started with lustful thoughts.

I would pray, shake them off, and then suddenly here came the memories. Negative emotions. Old wounds. Thoughts I thought I had already moved past.

And I kept asking myself:

“Why does God keep bringing this back up if I’m trying to move forward?”

At first, I felt frustrated.

Why revisit something I no longer wanted? Why allow old emotions to resurface when I’ve been trying so hard to heal?

But after sitting with it, I realized it may be one of two things:

Either God is testing my obedience and surrender…

Or I’m not as healed from certain things as I thought I was.

And honestly?

I think it might be both.

Because this week showed me something important:

Ignoring pain is not the same thing as healing from it.

I thought I had moved on from certain situations, certain people, certain emotions—but really, I had just learned how to mask them.

I pretended they no longer hurt while still reacting emotionally anytime something triggered me.

The anxiety.
The emotional pull.
The attachment to “what it could be.”

All of it showed me there were still wounds underneath the surface.

And I think God has been trying to slow me down long enough for me to finally see that.

Not to shame me.

Not to punish me.

But to heal me properly.

Because the more I surrender things to God, the easier it becomes to truly release them.

Not temporarily.
Not emotionally.
Not halfway.

Completely.

And that’s been hard for me.

Especially when I know something—or someone—isn’t for me, but I still hold onto the hope of what it could become.

That has been a pattern in my life for a long time.

Wanting potential more than reality.

Holding onto people longer than I should.

Confusing emotional attachment with alignment.

But I’m growing.

And growth sometimes looks like realizing you no longer have the capacity to entertain things that are draining your spirit.

This week has shown me there are people I’m outgrowing. Situations I’m outgrowing. Habits I’m outgrowing.

Not because I think I’m better than anyone—but because I can feel God changing what I’m willing to accept.

Things that once felt exciting no longer feel fulfilling.

Things I once tolerated now disturb my peace.

And even though this week has been rough and has exposed many unhealed wounds inside of me, God has also reminded me that my wounds do not define me.

They are part of my story.
Part of my growth.
Part of the journey that is shaping me into someone stronger, wiser, and more aligned with Him.

And maybe the biggest lesson I’m learning right now is this:

Healing requires honesty.

Not pretending.
Not avoiding.
Not masking pain with distractions.

Honesty.

So if there’s one thing I’d remind myself—and anyone else struggling right now—it’s this:

Be honest with God.

Surrender your troubles to Him.

Pray even when you feel distant.
Read the Word even when your mind feels loud.
Stay connected to a community that keeps God at the center.

Because the guidance, wisdom, accountability, and peace that come from that kind of community have been life-changing for me already…

And I’m only getting started.

One thing I’ve really been struggling with this week is the guilt that came after falling into temptation.

I feel like it created distance between God and me, and honestly, I’ve been struggling trying to restore that connection.

I kept asking myself:
“How do I get back?”

And one of the biggest things I feel called to do right now is read the book of John so I can truly understand who Jesus is.

Because if I’m honest, I’m a baby Christian.

I know I believe in Him.
I know He was crucified and rose again on the third day.

But outside of that?

I realized I didn’t really know Him the way I wanted to.

So this week, I made a decision.

Instead of sitting in shame and dwelling on my sin, I’m going to read, listen, pray, and intentionally get to know God for myself.

Because even throughout my entire life—through every mistake, every wrong turn, every season where I ignored Him—God has still shown me grace.

And I don’t want to take advantage of that grace anymore.

I want obedience.

I want relationship.

I want understanding.

And while trying to reconnect with God, He also gave me something else this week that I didn’t realize I needed so badly:

community.

I had the opportunity to attend a women’s life group, and honestly, I mostly sat there as a spectator. Quiet. Listening. Taking it all in.

But so many things spoke directly to me.

It reminded me that no matter where someone is in life, no matter their status, success, appearance, or season—we are all carrying something.

Everyone is fighting battles people can’t fully see.

Some of the women talked about longing for partnership.
Some struggled with impatience.
Some wanted career changes.
Some were battling financial stress.
Some wanted the finished product without wanting to go through the process to get there.

And as I listened, I realized…

A lot of those same struggles live inside me too.

That mental battle? Sometimes it’s daily.

But what stood out to me most was this:

Even in their struggles, they found comfort in God and in community.

And I think that’s what touched me the deepest.

Because for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was starting to find my people.

People who are walking with Christ but are still honest about their struggles.

People who are growing, healing, learning, and trying again.

People who make space for grace and accountability at the same time.

And I think finding that kind of community has helped me realize I’m not meant to do this walk alone.

I truly feel like this is only the beginning of something bigger than I can even imagine right now.

A deeper relationship with God.
A stronger version of myself.
A healthier community.
A different kind of life.

And even though I don’t fully know where God is leading me yet…

I trust Him enough to follow.

I didn’t expect clarity to come through a dream.

But that’s exactly what happened.

It wasn’t long maybe 15 or 20 minutes but it felt intense. Real. Like I was living inside something bigger than just a dream.

I was in this house.

It was dark. The lighting was off. Everything about it felt wrong heavy, uncomfortable, almost like I wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place.

And then I realized…

I had to get out.

It felt like some kind of test like if I could make it out of the house and reach the street, I would be free.

But I wasn’t alone.

Something was chasing me.

I couldn’t see exactly what it was, but I could feel it. The pressure. The fear. The weight of it getting closer behind me.

So I ran.

Not really knowing where I was going. Just moving, trying to escape.

And in that moment, I did the only thing I knew to do.

I prayed.

“Lord, help me. Guide me out of this.”

And instantly… everything shifted.

It wasn’t loud. It wasn’t dramatic.

But I knew He was there.

I started being guidedwhere to turn, where to go, what to do next.

I ran into a closet… and for a second, I felt stuck.

Like this was it.

Like I had nowhere else to go.

And I could hear whatever was chasing me getting closer.

So I prayed again.

“Lord, please help me get out of here.”

And just like that

A trap door appeared.

I dropped down to the first floor, came out through another closet, ran straight out the front door, and made it to the street.

I was free.

And as I was running, I saw a man outside jumping, celebrating, full of joy.

Like he was rooting for me.

Like he knew I was going to make it.

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What It Meant

After I woke up, I couldn’t shake it.

Because not long before that, I had been asking myself a question I didn’t know how to answer:

Why am I a Christian?

I heard it preached in church, and it stuck with me… but I didn’t have my own answer.

Until now.

That house?

That was me.

That was the life I created when I was trying to do everything on my own.
Confused. Chaotic. Dark. Feeling stuck in something I didn’t even recognize anymore.

That thing chasing me?

Fear. Anxiety. My past. The consequences of my own decisions. The weight of everything catching up to me.

Running without direction?

That was me trying to fix my life without God.

But the moment I called on Him

He showed up.

Not by removing me instantly, but by guiding me step by step.

Even when I felt stuck.
Even when I thought I had run out of options.

He made a way that I couldn’t see.

That trap door?

That was God doing what only He can do creating an exit where there wasn’t one.

The street?

Freedom. Peace. Safety. A new beginning.

And the man celebrating?

That was confirmation.

Heaven rooting for me.
God showing me that I was never alone in this.

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Why I Choose God

So why am I a Christian?

Not because everything in my life is perfect.

Not because I’ve always done the right thing.

But because even when I didn’t listen…
Even when I didn’t deserve it…

God still guided me.

He didn’t control me. He let me make my own choices.
And yes, I ended up in places I had no business being in.

But He never left.

He stayed close like a father should.

Waiting for me to call on Him.

And when I finally did… He led me out.

That dream showed me something I couldn’t fully put into words before:

With God, there is always a way out.

Not always easy. Not always immediate.
But always possible.

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The Vision I’m Walking In Now

I’m a Christian because I want a real relationship with God.

Not surface level. Not just when I need something.

I want to know Him.
Understand Him.
Walk with Him.

Because He has been there for me in ways I didn’t even recognize at the time.

He has blessed me when I didn’t deserve it.
Protected me when I didn’t see it.
Guided me when I didn’t listen.

And now that I do see it…

I can’t unsee it.

I don’t love God for what He can give me.

I love Him for who He has been to me.

A father.

A guide.

A protector.

Something I didn’t always have the best example of but something I now understand through Him.

And now?

I want to live a life that reflects that.

A life that is full.
A life that is aligned.
A life that is different from anything I’ve lived before.

Because I truly believe now

The life I’m stepping into…
is the one He’s been trying to lead me to all along.

And for the first time…

I’m not running from it.

I’m running with Him.

Faith

If I’m being honest, I feel like God has been redirecting my entire life.

Not in a small way… in a tear-it-down-and-rebuild-it kind of way.

I’ve felt called to share my story to be open, to build community, to speak on the things people don’t always say out loud. I don’t fully know what that looks like yet, but I do know this: obedience comes before clarity.

So I started where I could.

I shared my truth.

And in doing that, I stepped into the beginning of a life that feels different. Fuller. Lighter. More aligned. A life that I now recognize as being shaped by God’s will not just my own.

Because the truth is, before this, my thoughts, my actions, and my decisions were rooted in fear, grief, and pain. I was stuck there longer than I want to admit. It felt like I couldn’t move forward no matter how hard I tried.

But the moment I truly opened my heart to the Lord not halfway, not when it was convenient, but fully everything shifted.

It felt like I was offered a new life.

Now I’m learning to listen. To move when He says move. To trust even when I don’t understand.

And in such a short time, I’ve experienced a level of peace, joy, and clarity that I didn’t even know I was missing.

This season I’m in is not punishment. It’s preparation.

God is teaching me obedience. He’s building me. Positioning me.

I’m not behind. I’m being prepared.

And once I surrendered those heavy things I was carrying, He showed up. Over and over again.

I am blessed.

Healing

Let me be clear I am not fully healed.

My heart still aches sometimes.
My thoughts aren’t always positive.
My body still leans toward comfort over discipline.
I still have moments where I react instead of respond.

But I’m not who I used to be either.

And that matters.

I’m a work in progress and for the first time, I’m okay with that. Because now, I want better for myself. I’m choosing better.

There was a point where I thought my heart was becoming cold from disappointment. But now I see I still have so much love to give. To my kids. To myself. To others even when it’s hard.

And then there was a moment that made me realize just how much had already changed.

I was sitting in my living room, scrolling TikTok, while my girls were in the background laughing, playing, just being kids.

A video came across my feed from a creator I keep seeing the kind that always says something that hits right when you need it. And she was talking about what it feels like when things finally start working out.

And something about that made me pause.

I looked up.

I really looked.

My girls were giggling, completely at peace.
We were in a safe, stable home.
There was no chaos in that moment. No fear. No pressure.

And for the first time in a long time, I felt full.

Not distracted.
Not surviving.
Not just getting through it.

I felt like I was actually loving my life.

And that realization hit me hard.

Because if you would have asked me maybe 20 days before that if I loved my life, I would have said yes without hesitation. I thought what I had was enough. I appreciated it.

But truly loving my life feeling it I didn’t have that.

I loved the people in my life, but I hadn’t learned how to love my own life.

That moment changed something in me.

Not because everything was perfect, but because I was finally present enough to see what God had already done.

That peace I felt, that fullness, that was confirmation.

That I’m on the right path.
That I’m moving toward something greater.
That abundance isn’t just coming it’s already starting.

And all it took was slowing down long enough to hear my girls laugh.

What Healing Looks Like for Me Right Now

Healing didn’t start with a big breakthrough.

It started with a promise to love myself the way I’ve loved others.

So I started showing up for me.

I buy myself flowers because I deserve beauty in my life.
I go to the gym because I want to feel strong and healthy.
I changed my eating habits because what I put in my body matters.
I journal and write because my mind deserves clarity.
I limit mindless scrolling and choose things that feed me instead of drain me.
I speak life over myself and challenge negative thoughts when they come.
I take my medication because my health matters.
I changed what I listen to because what I hear affects my spirit.
I invest in my growth, personally and professionally.
I spend intentional time with my kids creating moments, not just passing time.

And the biggest shift:

I stopped making excuses.

I stopped waiting.

I started living the life I know I deserve.

Growth

Let’s not get it twisted I am not perfect.

I still have a lot to work on. A lot to learn. A lot to unlearn.

But I can see the difference.

And that’s what keeps me going.

In such a short time, my life has become fuller, more intentional, more aligned. And honestly, it makes me wonder why I didn’t start sooner.

But I also know I wasn’t ready then.

Growth requires readiness. And now, I am.

My growth is rooted in two things: my relationship with God and my willingness to understand myself.

I’m learning who I really am.
Not the broken version. Not the survival version.
The whole version.

And she’s still becoming.

I don’t have a perfect picture of the woman I’m growing into yet, but I’m excited to meet her.

Because every day, I’m building her.

Piece by piece.

And I’m grateful because even when I didn’t choose God, He never stopped choosing me.

If you want to go deeper into my journey, I share more in my book Beautiful Shambles, where I open up about the lessons, the breaking points, and the rebuilding.

So stay with me.

Be part of this journey.

We can grow together. Hold each other accountable. Become better together.

Because you deserve peace too.

With love,
Mariah 💜