Am I really resting, or am I making excuses for not showing up for myself?

That’s a question I’ve had to ask myself lately.

These past few weeks have been a struggle, and honestly, the weight of it seems to be getting heavier.

I’ve been feeling guilty because I know I haven’t been showing up for myself the way I promised I would.

The woman I’m trying to become has habits, routines, and priorities that I’ve been working hard to establish. But lately, those habits have been neglected, and I’m starting to feel the difference.

I haven’t been attending church consistently.

I haven’t been reading my Bible daily.

My prayer life hasn’t been as intentional.

And my physical health? Honey, let’s just say the gym and I haven’t been seeing much of each other lately.

And while I can acknowledge that life has been busy, I also have to acknowledge that I’ve been making excuses.

“I’ll do it later.”

“I have too much to do today.”

“I need to rest.”

“I’ll start again next week.”

Sound familiar?

Because for me, those little excuses have slowly started turning into weeks of not doing the things I know are important to me.

And now I’m sitting here wondering:

At what point does giving myself grace turn into allowing myself to become complacent?

Resting vs. Becoming Complacent

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

Rest is necessary. I know that.

We aren’t meant to constantly be moving, achieving, and checking things off a to-do list. Sometimes our minds, bodies, and spirits genuinely need a break.

But I’m learning that rest and complacency can look very similar on the outside while producing two completely different results.

Rest restores you.

Complacency keeps you comfortable.

Rest gives you the energy to continue.

Complacency convinces you that continuing can wait.

And I think that’s where I’ve been struggling.

I’ve been telling myself I’m resting, but I’m not always feeling restored.

Instead, I’m feeling disconnected, unfulfilled, and disappointed because I’m neglecting the things that once brought me so much joy, peace, and purpose.

And baby, that’s not the kind of rest I need.

I need the kind of rest that prepares me to show up again.

Not the kind that becomes an excuse to stop showing up altogether.

When I Feel Like I’ve Disappointed God

One of the biggest struggles I’ve been having lately is with my faith.

I’ve noticed that when I make decisions I’m unsure God would be pleased with, I tend to pull away from Him.

It’s almost like I go ghost.

I stop praying as much.

I stop opening my Bible.

I become hesitant to seek Him because I’m conflicted about the decisions I’ve made.

And if I’m being completely transparent, sometimes I feel like I need to get myself together before I can come back to Him.

As if I need to fix whatever I’ve done wrong before I deserve to sit in His presence again.

But the more I reflect on that mindset, the more I realize how backward it is.

Why am I running away from the very One I need to be running toward?

I’m still learning who God is and what it truly means to walk with Christ. But one thing I’m beginning to understand is that His grace isn’t reserved for the moments when I get everything right.

I don’t have to disappear when I fall short.

I can pray through the confusion.

I can seek Him when I’m struggling.

I can ask for wisdom when I’m uncertain.

And I can return to Him without pretending I have everything figured out.

Because the relationship I’m trying to build with God isn’t supposed to be based on how perfectly I perform.

It’s supposed to be rooted in faith, trust, obedience, and love.

And that relationship deserves my intentional effort, even on the days when I don’t feel worthy.

The Woman I Want to Become Requires Discipline

Outside of my faith, I’ve also been struggling with consistency when it comes to taking care of myself physically.

I have this pattern.

I start something with so much motivation.

I set goals.

I create a routine.

I get excited about the results I know are possible.

And then BOOM.

Life happens.

My schedule changes.

I get tired.

Procrastination starts creeping in.

And before I know it, the routine I was so excited about has completely disappeared.

Then comes the guilt.

And instead of picking up where I left off, I sometimes allow that guilt to keep me stuck even longer.

It’s a cycle I’m tired of repeating.

Because the truth is, I know what I want for myself.

I want to be a woman who prioritizes her relationship with God.

A woman who takes care of her physical and mental health.

A woman who is disciplined and consistent.

A woman who continues growing personally and professionally.

A woman who is intentional with her time, her words, her decisions, and her relationships.

A woman who pours into herself just as much as she pours into the people she loves.

But here’s what I’m having to accept:

I cannot keep expecting to become that woman if I’m not willing to practice the habits that shape her.

I can’t just admire the vision of who I want to become.

I have to participate in becoming her.

Even when I’m tired.

Even when my motivation is low.

Even when my schedule isn’t perfect.

And especially when it would be easier to say, “I’ll start tomorrow.”

Maybe I Need to Stop Waiting for the Perfect Routine

Another thing I’ve realized is that I spend so much time trying to figure out the perfect routine that I sometimes forget to actually follow one.

I’m constantly thinking about how to fit everything into my day.

Work.

Motherhood.

My relationship.

Church.

Bible study.

Exercise.

Writing.

Personal development.

And everything else life requires.

Some days, it feels like there simply aren’t enough hours.

But maybe the solution isn’t finding more time.

Maybe it’s becoming more intentional with the time I already have.

Maybe I don’t need an hour-long Bible study every morning to spend meaningful time with God.

Maybe ten intentional minutes are better than another day of putting it off.

Maybe I don’t need a perfect workout schedule to start taking care of my body.

Maybe a thirty-minute walk is better than doing nothing because I couldn’t make it to the gym.

Maybe I don’t need to write an entire blog post to stay connected to my passion.

Maybe writing down a few thoughts is enough to keep the habit alive.

I’m realizing that consistency doesn’t always mean doing everything exactly as planned.

Sometimes consistency means adjusting the plan without abandoning the goal.

And that’s something I desperately need to get better at.

I’m Choosing to Show Up Again

So here I am.

Once again, having to remind myself of the woman I’m trying to become.

And yes, it’s frustrating to feel like I’m starting over in areas I’ve already made progress in.

But maybe I need to stop looking at it as starting over.

I’m not the same woman I was when I first began this journey.

I have more awareness.

More understanding.

More faith.

And a clearer vision of the life I want to live.

Now I just need to put that understanding into action.

For me, that may look like creating daily to-do lists, setting reminders on my phone, scheduling time for God, and treating my personal goals with the same importance I give my other responsibilities.

Not because I want to fill every second of my day with something productive.

But because I want my daily decisions to reflect what I say matters most to me.

I want to be intentional.

With my faith.

With my health.

With my family.

With my time.

And most importantly, with myself.

Because the future version of me deserves the same effort, dedication, and love that I so freely give to others.

A Reminder to Myself and Maybe to You Too

If you’ve been struggling to stay consistent, I want you to ask yourself something:

Are you giving yourself the rest you genuinely need, or are you becoming comfortable with putting yourself last?

And please understand, there’s no shame in needing rest.

There’s no shame in adjusting your routine when life changes.

There’s no shame in having a difficult season.

But we also have to be honest with ourselves when our excuses are becoming habits.

We can’t keep saying we want change while avoiding the small decisions that create it.

And we can’t keep allowing one missed day to become a reason to give up completely.

I’m learning that discipline isn’t about being perfect.

It’s about continuing to choose what matters, even when the excitement of starting something new has worn off.

And faith isn’t about never falling short.

It’s about continuing to seek God through every season, including the uncomfortable ones.

So this is my reminder to myself:

Get up.

Open your Bible.

Say the prayer.

Move your body.

Write the words.

Make the time.

And when you genuinely need to rest, rest without guilt.

Just don’t confuse resting with giving up on yourself.

Because the woman I’m becoming isn’t going to appear overnight.

She’s being built through the choices I make every single day.

And honey, I owe it to myself to keep building her.

With love,

Mariah 💜