Healing has been such an emotional roller coaster for me.

Some days I feel strong, focused, and aligned with God. Other days I find myself missing things I probably shouldn’t, getting stuck in my head, feeling unmotivated, and falling away from the routines I’ve worked so hard to build.

The hardest part has been making sure my thoughts aren’t louder than what God is calling me to do.

And honestly, there are times when that’s been really difficult.

I constantly have to remind myself that God’s way is better than anything I could create on my own.

I truly believe one of the things God has called me to do is share my testimony through writing. Writing has always been a passion of mine, and I’ve noticed something interesting: whenever I pull away from it, I start feeling disconnected. Not just from my purpose, but from God.

Then the guilt starts creeping in.

I convince myself I’m failing.

Failing at my routines.
Failing at my goals.
Failing at becoming the woman I’m trying to be.
Sometimes even failing God.

The truth is, I have a habit of giving up when things aren’t perfect.

If I don’t make it to the gym three times that week, I feel lazy.

If I miss a writing session, I feel like I’m wasting the gift God gave me.

If my emotions get the best of me, I feel like all my progress has disappeared.

Instead of giving myself grace, I retreat.

I lay around.

I scroll endlessly.

I distract myself from the guilt instead of facing it.

And lately, I’ve realized something:

My downfall isn’t failure.

It’s my inability to give myself grace when I fall short of my own expectations.

Because what I consider failure isn’t necessarily what God considers failure.

Sometimes I think God is telling me to be still and reset.

Other times I think He’s calling me to fast, pray, and draw closer to Him instead of focusing on my normal routines.

Maybe success isn’t checking every box on my to-do list.

Maybe success is obedience.

Maybe success is continuing to show up, even imperfectly.

Maybe success is choosing God again and again, even when I feel discouraged.

I’ve spent so much time believing growth had to look perfect that I forgot growth is often messy.

Healing is messy.

Transformation is messy.

Learning to trust God is messy.

And maybe that’s okay.

Because the more I think about it, the more I realize that God isn’t asking me to be perfect.

He’s asking me to be faithful.

To keep showing up.

To keep praying.

To keep writing.

To keep trusting Him, even when I don’t feel like I’m doing enough.

So if there’s one thing I want to remind myself—and anyone else who needs to hear it—it’s this:

Give yourself grace.

God sees the effort.

He sees the prayers no one hears.

He sees the battles no one knows about.

He sees the hard work you’re putting in behind the scenes.

As long as you’re intentional, as long as you’re continuing to seek Him, and as long as you’re not settling into a pattern of defeat, you’re moving forward.

Not perfectly.

But faithfully.

And I truly believe that when you’re walking in the direction God is calling you to go, He gives you peace.

Not because everything is easy.

But because you know you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.

And sometimes, that peace is the confirmation you’ve been looking for all along.

With love,
Mariah 💜