Mom Monday — Missing the Version of Me Before Motherhood

I stared at my reflection in the mirror as the steam from my hot shower slowly began to fog up the bathroom.

I looked at my body from the front.

Then from one side.

Then the other.

Then back to the front again.

I sucked in my apron belly, held it for a second, released it, and sighed.

I found myself trying to remember what my body looked like before the babies.

Now don’t get me wrong—I love my girls more than anything in this world. I would never trade them for anything, and I have never regretted becoming their mother.

Not once.

But if I’m being honest, there are times I miss the version of myself that no longer exists.

And I think that’s something many moms are afraid to say out loud.

Somewhere between diapers, school schedules, work schedules, co-parenting, laundry, dishes, and making sure everyone else was okay, I forgot who I was before everyone needed me.

For a long time, I viewed that as something negative.

Like I had somehow lost myself.

But lately I’ve been wondering if maybe I was looking at it the wrong way.

Maybe I was meant to have this body.

This body carried my beautiful girls.

This body endured sleepless nights, stress, healing, and growth.

This body became a home before it became something I judged in the mirror.

Maybe I was meant to be needed because motherhood shaped me into someone more nurturing, patient, and loving than I ever thought possible.

Still, there are things I miss.

I miss being able to leave the house without planning for three people.

I miss deciding to run a quick errand without packing bags, snacks, drinks, and making sure everyone is ready.

Thank God for grocery delivery and Amazon because they have saved me more times than I can count.

But more than that, I miss the freedom of only having to worry about myself.

Even when my girls are with their dads, my mind still revolves around them.

I’m thinking about what they need.

What they have coming up.

What I need to do before they get back home.

The responsibility never really leaves.

As much as I love my girls, I realized something recently:

I didn’t just lose time in motherhood.

I lost myself in it.

I stopped being disciplined with my health.

I stopped taking time to explore life outside of my responsibilities.

I stopped doing things simply because they brought me joy.

And perhaps the biggest one of all…

I stopped writing.

Before recently, I hadn’t written recreationally in almost nine years.

Nine years.

Writing was something I loved long before I became a mom.

But somewhere along the way, it got pushed aside.

Motherhood became my identity.

Then relationships became part of my identity.

And eventually there wasn’t much room left for Mariah.

There was Mom.

There was partner.

There was caretaker.

But there wasn’t much space left for me.

I told myself I didn’t have time.

I didn’t have time for friends.

I didn’t have time to read.

I didn’t have time to write.

I didn’t have time to prioritize my health.

I didn’t have time to figure out who I was becoming.

Everything revolved around my household and the people I loved.

And while there is beauty in serving your family, there is also danger in completely disappearing inside of it.

Because God created me to be more than the roles I fill.

He created me to be Mariah.

And now, for the first time in a long time, I’m determined to figure out who she is.

Not apart from motherhood—but beyond it.

I’m finding my identity in God.

I’m showing up for my community through Bible studies, walking groups, and friendships.

I’m showing up for my health by being more intentional about what I put into my body. Lord knows snacking is still my biggest downfall.

I’m making time to work out three times a week.

I’m spending more time with my girlfriends.

I’m trying things I’ve never done before.

I’m taking myself on solo dates.

I’m reading again.

I’m writing again.

And the best part?

I’m doing it slowly.

At a pace that feels sustainable.

At a pace that doesn’t overwhelm me.

I’m not trying to reinvent myself overnight.

I’m simply taking the time to get to know myself again.

And maybe that’s what this season is really about.

Not finding the woman I was before motherhood.

But discovering the woman I’m becoming because of it.

And maybe a year from now, if someone asks me, “Who is Mariah?”

My answer will be bigger than:

“I’m a mom of two girls.”

With love,

Momma Riah 💜