I’m Not Ready… And I’m Finally Okay With That

I’ve been MIA.

Not just from writing, but in some ways, from the personal growth I had become so intentional about.

I’m currently working on another book, but I think I needed to step away from it for a while. When I went back and looked at what I was writing, I realized there was so much anger behind my words.

I wasn’t just telling my story anymore.

I was writing from the wound.

And somewhere in the middle of all of that, I started forgetting why I loved writing in the first place.

Writing has always been something that gives me freedom. It helps me process, reflect, connect, and share pieces of my testimony. But instead of allowing it to help me heal, I was starting to use my words as another place to hold onto my hurt.

So maybe the break wasn’t a delay after all.

Maybe I needed it.

My “Lonely Season”

During this time, I’ve also found myself falling back into temptations and distractions that were pulling my attention away from growing with God and becoming the woman I know I want to be.

And I’ve had to accept something I wasn’t necessarily excited about at first:

This may be my “lonely season.”

Or maybe a better way to put it is my single season.

Because “lonely” makes it sound like something is missing.

And I’m starting to realize that maybe nothing is missing at all.

For someone who loves love, companionship, and partnership as much as I do, being intentionally single can feel uncomfortable.

I’ve wanted partnership so badly in the past that I sacrificed pieces of myself for the potential of relationships.

Not even always for what the relationship actually was.

For what I hoped it could become.

I’ve chosen people who weren’t aligned with what I now believe God has for me. I’ve become comfortable in chaos because chaos was familiar. I’ve accepted things that I can look back on now and know I didn’t deserve.

But I don’t want to look at those experiences only as failures anymore.

There were lessons there.

Lessons about boundaries.

Lessons about self-worth.

Lessons about discernment.

Lessons about what love is—and what love isn’t.

And some lessons I apparently needed more than once, honey.

But I’m listening now.

I Want to Be a Wife. But I’m Not Ready to Be One.

I’ve done a lot of self-reflection lately about what I actually want for my future.

When it comes to dating, my end goal is clear:

I want to be a wife.

But here’s the part I’ve had to humble myself enough to admit:

I’m not ready to be one.

And surprisingly, saying that doesn’t make me sad anymore.

It gives me direction.

I hear people talk about the Proverbs 31 woman and the qualities she represents, and when I look honestly at myself, there are areas where I still have growing to do.

Then I look at the fruit of the Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control—and baby…

God is still working on me.

Especially that patience and self-control.

But instead of looking at those areas and thinking, “I’m not good enough,” I’m beginning to see them as an invitation:

This is where I get to grow.

I don’t need to become perfect before I can be loved.

And I don’t want my entire growth journey to revolve around becoming “wife material” for somebody else either.

I want to become a healthier, wiser, more disciplined woman because that’s who I believe God is calling me to become.

Wife or not.

Relationship or not.

Becoming Her Before Asking for Him

If I want a different life, I have to start making decisions that align with that life.

For me, two of the biggest areas are discipline and consistency.

Not perfection.

Consistency.

I want to read the Word daily because I want to know God for myself.

I want to work out consistently because I want to take care of the body I’ve been given.

I want to make better choices with food because I want to feel healthy and energized.

I want to write again because it’s part of who I am.

I want to read again because I want to continue learning.

I want to become more intentional with my finances.

I want to take better care of my home.

I want to show up well in my career.

I want to steward what God has already placed in my hands instead of constantly focusing on what I want Him to give me next.

That last one has been big for me.

Because I’ve had to humble myself.

I’ve spent so much time thinking about the next thing.

The next opportunity.

The next relationship.

The next accomplishment.

The next version of my life.

But what about everything I prayed for that I’m already living in?

What about my children?

My home?

My job?

My ability to write?

My community?

My relationship with God?

Maybe preparation for more begins with taking care of what I already have.

I’m Starting to Feel the Shift

And lately, I really have started to feel something shifting inside of me.

I think a huge part of that has come from the Christian community I’ve found and the Bible studies I’ve been part of.

These women and these spaces have developed me and blessed me in ways I never expected.

I’m learning.

I’m being challenged.

I’m being held accountable.

I’m seeing perspectives outside of my own.

But most importantly, I’m falling in love with getting to know God.

Not just knowing about Him.

Knowing Him.

And the more I build that relationship, the more I’m realizing this season isn’t simply about waiting for a husband.

It’s about becoming.

Maybe I’m single because right now I have some uninterrupted work to do with God.

Maybe instead of asking, “When is my person coming?” I need to keep asking:

“God, who are You calling me to become while I’m here?”

I don’t know how long this season will last.

And for someone who likes to know what’s coming next, that’s an uncomfortable sentence to write.

But I’m learning to be okay with it.

I’m still in the middle of my testimony.

I’m still healing.

Still learning.

Still becoming more disciplined.

Still making mistakes.

Still getting back up.

Still figuring out what God is asking of me.

And for once, I don’t need to rush to the finished product.

I’m not ready yet.

And maybe that’s the beauty of this season.

I don’t have to be.

I just have to be willing to let God prepare me.

So I’m going to keep learning.

Keep writing.

Keep showing up.

Keep stewarding.

Keep healing.

Keep becoming.

And whenever the next chapter comes, I want to be able to look back at this single season and realize:

I wasn’t waiting for my life to begin.

I was building it.

With love,
Mariah 💜